This title implies that the rest of this site is "sensible
stuff"! I certainly cannot guarantee that to be the
If you have anything that you'd like featured here, please email it
to me, and I'll include it if it's printable.
US YOUR JOKES
||This interesting bike can be used to cycle through long grass and maintain traction as the rear wheel is on trimmed grass.
It could be used by the group leader on the Club's next trip to the Netherlands. Apparently, there's a lot of grass in the Netherlands. . .
||I know we're all
good friends, but maybe this is taking things a little too far!
||And thanks to Grabo for this vision of world peace and
"Eeeh, if only more cats cycled then we wouldn't be in the
mess we're in today!"
If you are approached by
somebody offering for sale a bike similar to the one on the
left, do not part with any money!
These are bikes are cheap
imports which do not comply with British Standards. The
bikes are quite unstable, have rather thin frame tubing and are
prone to flat tyres.
You have been warned!
Two pieces of black tarmac are standing
chatting at the bar, when in walks a piece of green tarmac.
The piece of green tarmac demands a pint of bitter from the landlord in
a menacing manner, downs it in one, slams his money on the bar and walks
The landlord turns to the two pieces of black tarmac and says:
"Well I'm glad he didn't cause any trouble - I've heard he's a bit
of a cyclepath".
Two loonies are riding along on a tandem.
Suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and
lets the tyres down.
The one on the back says: "Why did you do that?"
The one on the front replies: "My saddle's too high"
The one on the back gets off, loosens his saddle with a spanner and turns it round.
The one on the front says: "What are you doing?"
The one on the back replies: "Look mate, if you're going to muck about,
I'm going home!!"
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his
friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted
I was speeding down a narrow, twisting,
mountain road. The woman was driving
very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG!
PIG!!". I flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH!
COW!!"....Then I collided with the pig!
A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a
lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone
to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a
ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out
of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the
bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and
I'll slow down."
Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver
forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance
down the road, they hammered through a speed trap.
The cop with the
radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at
over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe
this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".
A motorist was pootleing around the essex lanes when he was overtaken by a cyclist in a dinner suit apparently going to a function. He sped up and eventually overtook the cyclist. Moments later the cyclist overtook him again.
"Blimey!" exclaimed the motorist "he's fast".
Coming to the open road the driver again overtook the cyclist, but again, moments later the cyclist over took him.
"Phew!" said the motorist I wonder how fast he can go. So he sped up even more well beyond a reasonable speed for a cyclist. But,again, he was overtaken. Perplexed the motorist put his boot to the floor and accelerated away from the cyclist at break neck speed.. But increadably the cyclist
passed by even faster than before. Confused and bewildered the motorist slowed to a crawl and strangely so did the cyclist. As they approached each other the cyclist turned around and the motorist wound down his window.
Thanks for stopping" said the cyclist "I've got me braces caught up in your wing mirror!"
"I've really had it with my dog....
he'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Really? What will you do about it?"
"I think I'll have to confiscate his
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CYCLING IF....
|You hear someone had a crash and your first
question is "How's the bike?"|
|You have stopped even trying to explain to
your other half why you need
more than one bike...you just go buy another one and figure it will
all work out in the divorce settlement.|
|You buy your crutches instead of renting.|
|You see nothing wrong with discussing the
connection between hydration
and urine color.|
|You find your Shimano touring shoes to be
more comfortable and stylish than
your new trainers|
|You refuse to buy a settee because that patch
of wall space is taken up by
|You have more money invested in your bike
clothes than in the rest of your
|Biker chick means black lycra, not leather,
and a Marinoni, not a Harley.|
|"Four cheeseburgers and four large
French Fries" is for you.|
|You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing
ride by, and the first thing you
check out is his or her bicycle.|
|You empathize with the roadkill.|
|Despite all that winter weight you put on,
you'll take off weight by buying
|You use wax on your chain, but not on your
You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys)
|Your current bike is older than your grown up
|Your first course when you eat out is a large
|You yell "Car!" when passing
another car, and "Bump!" when you see a pothole - while driving
|Your bike has more miles on its computer then
your car's odometer.|
|You wear your bike shorts swimming.|
|You wear Voodoo T-shirts all the time,
including under dress shirts.|
|Your bikes are worth more than your car.|
|You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the
rear seats to allow your bike(s)
|When you move to a new area the first thing
you look for is a bike shop.|
|You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.|
|You take your bike along when you shop for a
car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.|
|You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade
|You clean your bike(s) more often then your
|You spend weeks during the summer spraying
arrows on the sides of roads.|
|You and your significant other have and wear
identical riding clothes.|
|You put your bike in your car and the value
of the total package increases
by a factor of 4 (or better).|
|You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM,
even for important meetings, but
you don't have any problems at all meeting your mates at 5:30 AM for a
|You regard inter-gender discussion of your
genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.|
|Your New Years resolution is to put more
miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.|
|You can tell your other half, with a straight
face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a
|You know your cadence, but you have no idea
what your speed is.|
|When driving your car you lean over the
steering wheel, just like an aerobar.|
|Your kids bring a rear derailleur to
"Show & Tell".|
|Your car sits outside your garage because
your garage is full of bikes and
|Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve
replacement and you ask if
you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.|
|A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to
the latest Playboy centrefold, but
that new gear ratio you were considering.|
|You wear your heart monitor to bed to make
sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular
|You experience an unreasonable envy over
someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.|
|You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday
night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.|
|There is no time like the present, for
postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...|
|You no longer require a hankie to blow your
|You smile at your evening date, and she
politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.|
Music for an Edmonton Cycle Club party...
Here's an eclectic selection, dreamed up by
club members in the garden of the Crown & Horseshoes during Bike
Week! If you can think of any more, please email
|Bicycle Race - Queen|
|Riding along on a pushbike - Mungo Jerry|
|Tour de France - Kraftwerk|
|Bike- Pink Floyd|
|Pump it up! - Elvis Costello|
|Daisy Daisy - various Music Hall artistes !|
|Chain Reaction - Diana Ross|
|The Chain - Fleetwood Mac|
|Raindrops keep falling on my head - Sacha
|Goddam the Pusher Man - Howlin' Wolf (from
the film Easy Rider)|
And last, but not least, one of Enfield's not-so-good examples of
how to build cycle lanes.....
...bit of a joke, innit? I wouldn't want to come across
that on a dark night!!
Thanks to Bob the Builder for the photo.