Cycling Jokes

Silly Stuff !

This title implies that the rest of this site is "sensible stuff"! I certainly cannot guarantee that to be the case!

If you have anything that you'd like featured here, please email it to me, and I'll include it if it's printable.

	This interesting bike can be used to cycle through long grass and maintain traction as the rear wheel is on trimmed grass. It could be used by the group leader on the Club's next trip to the Netherlands. Apparently, there's a lot of grass in the Netherlands. . .
	I know we're all good friends, but maybe this is taking things a little too far!
	And thanks to Grabo for this vision of world peace and harmony: "Eeeh, if only more cats cycled then we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today!"
	CONSUMER ALERT: If you are approached by somebody offering for sale a bike similar to the one on the left, do not part with any money! These are bikes are cheap imports which do not comply with British Standards. The bikes are quite unstable, have rather thin frame tubing and are prone to flat tyres. You have been warned!

Two pieces of black tarmac are standing chatting at the bar, when in walks a piece of green tarmac.
The piece of green tarmac demands a pint of bitter from the landlord in a menacing manner, downs it in one, slams his money on the bar and walks out.
The landlord turns to the two pieces of black tarmac and says: "Well I'm glad he didn't cause any trouble - I've heard he's a bit of a cyclepath".

Two loonies are riding along on a tandem.
Suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and
lets the tyres down.
The one on the back says: "Why did you do that?"
The one on the front replies: "My saddle's too high"
The one on the back gets off, loosens his saddle with a spanner and turns it round.
The one on the front says: "What are you doing?"
The one on the back replies: "Look mate, if you're going to muck about,
I'm going home!!"

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!". I flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH! COW!!"....Then I collided with the pig!

A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."
Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap.
The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".

A motorist was pootleing around the essex lanes when he was overtaken by a cyclist in a dinner suit apparently going to a function. He sped up and eventually overtook the cyclist. Moments later the cyclist overtook him again.
"Blimey!" exclaimed the motorist "he's fast".
Coming to the open road the driver again overtook the cyclist, but again, moments later the cyclist over took him.
"Phew!" said the motorist I wonder how fast he can go. So he sped up even more well beyond a reasonable speed for a cyclist. But,again, he was overtaken. Perplexed the motorist put his boot to the floor and accelerated away from the cyclist at break neck speed.. But increadably the cyclist
passed by even faster than before. Confused and bewildered the motorist slowed to a crawl and strangely so did the cyclist. As they approached each other the cyclist turned around and the motorist wound down his window.
"

Thanks for stopping" said the cyclist "I've got me braces caught up in your wing mirror!"

"I've really had it with my dog.... he'll chase anyone on a bicycle"

"Really? What will you do about it?"

"I think I'll have to confiscate his bike!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CYCLING IF....

	You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"
	You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike...you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
	You buy your crutches instead of renting.
	You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
	You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers
	You refuse to buy a settee because that patch of wall space is taken up by the bike.
	You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
	Biker chick means black lycra, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.
	"Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries" is for you.
	You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.
	You empathize with the roadkill.
	Despite all that winter weight you put on, you'll take off weight by buying titanium components
	You use wax on your chain, but not on your legs (girls). You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys)
	Your current bike is older than your grown up children.
	Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.
	You yell "Car!" when passing another car, and "Bump!" when you see a pothole - while driving your car.
	Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
	You wear your bike shorts swimming.
	You wear Voodoo T-shirts all the time, including under dress shirts.
	Your bikes are worth more than your car.
	You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.
	When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
	You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.
	You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
	You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
	You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.
	You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads.
	You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
	You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
	You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your mates at 5:30 AM for a hundred-miler.
	You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
	Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
	You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.
	You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
	When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
	Your kids bring a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell".
	Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
	Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.
	A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.
	You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
	You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.
	You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
	There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...

	You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
	You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.

Music for an Edmonton Cycle Club party...

Here's an eclectic selection, dreamed up by club members in the garden of the Crown & Horseshoes during Bike Week! If you can think of any more, please email your suggestions

	Bicycle Race - Queen
	Riding along on a pushbike - Mungo Jerry
	Tour de France - Kraftwerk
	Bike- Pink Floyd
	Pump it up! - Elvis Costello
	Daisy Daisy - various Music Hall artistes !
	Chain Reaction - Diana Ross
	The Chain - Fleetwood Mac
	Raindrops keep falling on my head - Sacha Distel
	Goddam the Pusher Man - Howlin' Wolf (from the film Easy Rider)

And last, but not least, one of Enfield's not-so-good examples of how to build cycle lanes.....

...bit of a joke, innit? I wouldn't want to come across that on a dark night!!
Thanks to Bob the Builder for the photo.